Stage I: Infatuation
After three or four dates:
- Frequently sexual relationship begins.
- Thrill of someone new who gives me positive
attention and likes me.
- I finally found the person I have been looking
for.
- I love the feelings: love; being in love and
desired.
- Enmeshment: No differences/people pleasing.
- Aren’t we compatible!
Question: Is it chemistry or do
I really like this person?
Stage II: Initial but Limited
Commitment (6 weeks to 2 years)
Many relationships never leave this stage
even after marriage:
- Only one partner: relationship is exclusive.
- Conflict: real self in each person emerges.
- People pleasing ceases: May feel
annoyed by person's habits when they were not noticed
before.
- Differences emerge: infatuation ends and is
replaced with deeper understanding and appreciation of the
partner.
- Problems emerge: when differences emerge.
These differences are either worked through/negotiated with
a compromise or ignored with more distance such as seeing
less of the person or avoiding certain subjects. Many couples
break-up over differences and may even perceive these differences
as a personal attack on them. (Example: you are not talkative
or cheerful in the morning because you are not a morning
person).
- New partner is integrated into network of
friends and family/ with feedback and support from them.
- Couples typically live together somewhere
in this stage. (One study showed partners who live together
more than two years frequently do not marry each other.)
- Can stay in this stage indefinitely.
Major questions of this stage: Is
this relationship the "right" one for me ? Do I want
a permanent commitment with this person?
Stage III: Permanent Commitment
Stage IV: Early Marriage/Commitment
-
Planning the future together.
-
Settling into marriage, developing routines
and accepting differences.
-
Acknowledgement by the world that you are
permanent (ceremony).
-
The Power Struggle/Conflict emerges again.
This power struggle must take place and leads
to the question: Can I be me and still be in this relationship?
Stage V: Recommitment
Exits are blocked. Recommitment to marriage or
permanence and to your partner as the chosen one. This takes
place only after each partner has determined they can be who
they are and be in a permanent commitment.
Is this love, comfort, fun, and support or is this boredom? (There
is boredom if true self has been submerged, conflict has been
suppressed, and the lack of tension and increasing distance has
killed the closeness.)
RECOMMITMENT IS A LIFELONG, ONGOING, REWARDING AND GROWING PROCESS.
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